I love avocado i hope it
will continue to be inexpensive
enough to ship from
warmer climates to
my cool home
for my whole
life

Quarter-life crisis:

Realizing everything you've already done 

is incredibly stupid

and that you have a nearly nonexistent chance of

contributing anything noteworthy to anything

and that you are slowly deteriorating already

making the possibility of achieving the level 

you once imagined more unlikely with every day

and simultaneously rejecting that self-pity 

to make room for a new proficiency in life-mystery analysis

and a calm but satisfying sense of communion with 

one hundred billion souls or more

On the one hand, I have a strong urge to refrain from posting these writings and save myself from unnecessary embarrassment... Yet at the same time I reject the notion of censoring one's own thoughts, since they are true thoughts, and shouldn't we be constantly striving to understand truth and reality?
There are so many layers of pretense and self-deception within one's own mind, it is almost disgusting.
I wish I could remove even one layer per year, that is part of the reason I am anti-self-censorship!  We should face our own inner stupidity and embarrassment with courage--only then can we work towards improving ourselves! (I'm not sure if this is true at all)
To be honest, I just read an interview with John Maus and I think that is what prompted me to write this. I was impressed with John Maus' self-doubt and honesty and frankness. I thought to myself, "I understand this John Maus and I think he is a transcendental man--yes, transcendental is the best word I can think of--and I think what makes him so inspirational to me is his level of honesty with himself and his level of mindfulness about the world he lives in. I chose the word 'transcendental' because I think it captures the feeling I have that John Maus is taking a step outside the ordinary experience of life to observe himself and the world from a more objective vantage. And perhaps there is some arrogance in all of this, but I felt such a connection with John Maus as I read about him, as if he were saying things that I've felt but never really had a reason
(or maybe even the ability) to express."
It's so easy to ignore our own inner motivations, but if we quietly and carefully observe ourselves we can understand them. I know I have often been disgusted with myself after discovering some deep and selfish motivation for something I've said or done. Upon analyzing such a motivation I'll often conclude that it is primal and instinctual in nature, intrinsic to our being and efficiently designed to ensure survival and ruthless propagation of the human species. Yet I think we have the ability to control nature.
I suppose the principled person is always add odds with himself, feeling a constant discord between the selfish, primitive commands of nature and the nobler designs of the civilized mind. "This is all boring nonsense, of course".

All the trees you know have grown to a tremendous height

You rake what's underneath into a pile, compact it

Turn it into bread

You present this bread to the King

who discovers a golden key baked in the loaf

He uses this key to unlock the bread-bearer's chest

revealing the sky of another kingdom

But this kingdom is on an ocean world

that begins to drain 

then the camera pans up, out of the sink, to a boy brushing his tooth

"Mom, I lost my tooth" 

Mom grabs the tooth and tosses it into a little yellow box

that holds all the other teeth.

This is what I was thinking of while my dad was talking to me

at length about something while I was walking with him.

Am I a bad son?

If my father reads this will I then be a bad son?

What does it mean to be a bad son?

Do I care about my designation as a bad son or a good son?

Is there such a son as is neither good nor bad?

Supposing that all sons save one son vanished from the earth,

would that remaining son's status as a bad soon or a good son

remain unchanged? 

More generally, does one's status as a bad or good son depend

upon the status of other sons?

Does anyone care if they are a son?

Does the sound of son affect our perception of son?

Why is it embarrassing to speak of sons?

Is it embarrassing because the fact that I have written many lines now

about the concept of "son" implies that I for some reason care

about this concept, or my status within a son-structure?

Why is it embarrassing to care?

Is it embarrassing or is it simply boring?